musings from a mom in the making. from pregnancy to birth experience, from fitness fallouts and feeding frenzies to oxytocin-induced ramblings, i'm sharing the highs, lows and woes of my maternal experience as i learn to love the person my daughter has made me become.
november 1, 2013
you look different to me today. maybe it’s the barrette in your hair, holding back lengthening locks for the first time. maybe it’s your smile, reflecting the generations that came before you. maybe it’s the quiet way you’re spinning that ball in your hands, showing off your increasing dexterity. maybe it’s the way you look in that outfit, which seemed bigger when i took it out of your closet this morning. maybe it’s your sing-song voice, practicing consonant-vowel patterns to add to your repertoire. maybe it’s the light in your eyes, awakening to yourself more and more every day. whatever it is, i see it more on this day following your birthday, when i can no longer measure the happiness you have brought to my life in weeks or months, but years. one short year filled with the accomplishments of a lifetime, synapses firing in every direction, muscles flexing to meet life with a tenacity and fearlessness bestowed only to those who don’t know they can fail. there is no other option for you but to live. it is beautiful and graceful and scary to watch, knowing we are in this together. i observe you intently, trying to etch every feature of your face as it is right now permanently onto my memory. i know it isn’t long before time steals you from my arms. it is more for me than you that i am saddened by this. you have given me so much in your short time here. i am afraid to let go. i don’t want you to ever not need me because i need you so much. i need the lessons you teach me every day: in patience, forgiveness, trust, and love. i need your hugs to remind me why i should be a better person, both to myself and others. i need your vulnerability to remind me it is okay to have needs and to have those needs met. but as much as i need you, i know i can’t have you. you are a child of the world. meant to experience life from your unique perspective, offering what only you can give. i just hope you will carry my love with you wherever you go, if only as a reminder that you deserve to be loved. that you are important. that when life is both beautiful and scary, we are in this together. so go, be fearless, illustrate your life with your dreams. take from me all the good and do your best to understand the bad is what makes each of us human. i will be here. in awe. in gratitude. in love. always.
A year ago today, I experienced what it was like to meet your heart and hold it in your hands. Happy birthday, my beloved Phoenix. You have made me want to be better in order for you to have the best. I love you!! #baby #daughter #motherhood #parenthood #lepeeg #happybirthday #birthday #firstbirthday #oneyearold #myheart #thewholeworldinherhands #youcanstopgrowingnow
it’s starting to sink in… a year ago today i was waking up on the couch after a night spent writing down time between very faint contractions. it was right around this time that they stopped completely, but somewhere deep inside the core of my being, somewhere closer to the collective wisdom of life yearning for itself than to conscious thought, i knew the labor process had started. it was a calm feeling. while i tingled with the thought of meeting my baby, i relinquished myself to trust in my body, to letting go, a complete giving of myself to something i had no right to control. it was one of the most beautiful times in my life…
Very powerful image. Brings me to tears every time. Phoenix turns one this week, but I know as soon as I blink, she’ll be 21. I hope I am just as an important part of her life then as I am now. She will always be the most important thing to me.